Change-Over

Dear Blog Followers,

July 16 will be my last post ON THIS WordPress Blog SITE.  You may now follow me as before on my new WordPress site, www.parisecoaching.com.  I trust you’ve found this new site by now and the blog imbedded therein.  You’ll still be able to comment, which I hope you will do and also spread the word about my work and blog if you like them.  Also please check out and “like” my FaceBook page: The Man’s Coach.  I’ll soon be posting a complete album of my artwork on my site, www.parisecoaching.com.  My dual specialties as a coach is men in relationship transition and artists needed to “extract the abstract” in their creative process. Thanks to all who followed me here and to all who will continue to do so.  I also continue to offer a free hour coaching session so you can “try it on” for size and see if the power of co-active coaching is a help to you! 

Michael Parise, The Man’s Coach

Many Variations

As I work with men, I am constantly honored by their trust in me, as well as by their courageous life stories.  Every one of them is like a bright facet, shining a new perspective on the vast variety of manhood.

I met another courageous man this weekend.  Tim worked for many years as a jet aircraft mechanic and is now retired, living with his male partner of 18 years.  Tim had been married previously for 19 years.  He fell in love with a wonderful woman and settled down shortly after leaving college.  They have two handsome grown sons.  Both have a great deal in common with their father.  One is married with children.  The other is gay.

A large percentage of gay men in Tim’s baby-boomer age group have similar stories.  They did what they were expected to do after school or military: marry a nice girl, settle down and have kids.  They did this despite the fact that they felt primarily attracted to men, and thought that marriage would “cure” them.

According to Alfred Kinsey’s studies, and a lot of anecdotal evidence, sexuality is on a continuum.  Aside from the two extremes of people being totally heterosexual or homosexual, the majority have varying degrees of sexual attraction to either gender.  Many men like Tim were totally in love with their wives, loved having children and grandchildren, but the pressure of being predominantly attracted to men was something they could no longer hide without doing further psychological damage to themselves.  Others simply keep it quiet, lead a double life, or try to deny it.  The same is similar for women who have come out later in life as lesbians.

These are not mere impulses of the body or of the heart.  These are human beings who, in a society that did not understand them, finally decided that they simply to be themselves.  Not a modern phenomenon, there is evidence throughout history of similar circumstances for many others like Tim.  When we are aware of these courageous men and women, and of those who need empathic help to talk about their choices, we have taken a big step toward a healthier society.

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Being Alone

One of the most difficult experiences I find among normal people is being alone with themselves.  When I am by myself I often tend to zone out in front of the television or the computer.   Sometimes I feel as if I ought to be doing something, even cleaning the house, to fill the void.  Yet I yearn for connection with others.

More men in particular are finding themselves alone, perhaps for the first time.  Given the divorce rate many guys have lost partners and children with whom they thought they’d spend their lives.  They enjoyed the domestication of home and family life and don’t know what to do with themselves when alone.

The fact is that we human were meant to live in community and most of us function better when we are interconnected.  We need intimate friendships and relationships to balance our lives.

I often observe that women seem to have an easier time at this than men.  I noticed that at a recent lunch with three women they chatted non-stop, interrupting, not finishing sentences or thoughts, sometimes barely listening to me. Yet that dynamic seemed to strengthen their relationships.  I asked my sister about this and she affirmed that that is the way a lot of women bond.

I don’t know about other guys, but I connect best in full thoughts.  I like to have beginnings, middles and ends to conversations.  Quick-fire chatting confuses me and addles my brain.  Being aware of this is important if I am going to make the connections I need to balance being alone with community.  It means I need to seek out good conversation; it’s not going to necessarily find me!

Each of us has a slightly different dynamic in finding balance in relationship.  Good coaching can help us appreciate our unique mode of relating, as well as common links to one another.  When we discover this balance, being alone becomes a true blessing, an important counterpoint that helps us identify and appreciate real love and intimacy when we find it.

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Let’s Play

Discovering one’s life purpose sometimes involves a lot of playing around.  One of the wonderful qualities my parents had was that they encouraged a wide range of playing for their children.  When I said I wanted to be a doctor at age 6, they gave me a “play the doctor” kit for my birthday, complete with a really cool fake syringe and stethoscope.  When I said I wanted to learn to shoot hoops, they gave me a basketball for Christmas.  As they saw my science/math interest peak, they bought be a really cool electronic kit to put together, complete with circuits, rheostats and light sensor.  Oddly enough I never played “church” and ended up becoming a priest!

As adults we shouldn’t give up on play.  I’m not just speaking about sports or recreational activities, but dabbling in new areas, stretching our potential.   Taking up hobbies or volunteering in completely new areas, however temporarily, can inform and expand our vision for our lives.  Serendipity can play lead to new ventures and a clarification of our life purpose.

The same is true about our personal/intimate lives.  Experimenting with feelings, relationships, dating, friendships, and sex as part of the larger playground of life can reveal new insights into our self-understanding.  They can uncover what we’re really passionate about and also new ways in which our internal saboteurs are operating.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?  Try it on for size! 

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Life Purpose

Whenever I ask clients if they have a purpose in life, a single statement that sums up the reason for their lives they usually draw a blank.  They respond that no one has ever asked them about this.  Maybe it’s time for all of us to think about our life purpose.

Life purpose statements change and evolve with time and circumstances.  I recall formulating my first life purpose in seminary as I anticipated being ordained a priest.  At the time I called it my “vision” for the church and for my pastoral ministry.  This vision sustained me for nearly 40 years through some difficult and joyous times.  During the last decade my vision slowly ebbed and a new life purpose began to take hold.

The formulation of a life purpose statement takes a little time and reflection, but it’s really quite simple.  It helps to work with someone like a coach or a good friend.  It ought to be a very simple statement with two parts.  Begin with a period of reflection on how you perceive yourself as having an impact on your world.  Then begin writing.

Part one is the “I am” part in which you describe yourself in a metaphor or symbol of some kind that captures who you are and when you are living you life on purpose such as, “I am the power of the universe…”  “I am the unique weaver…” or “I am the ever-expanding heart…”  At first the metaphor may sound grandiose or unrealistic, but think big!  This part ought to have deep resonance within you.

Part two is the description of what you are accomplishing through this metaphorical self.  For example, “I am the power of the universe that integrates body, mind and spirit.”  “I am the unique weaver who draws people into powerful relationship.”  “I am the ever-expanding heart that has room to love and heal the broken-hearted.”

The best part is sharing your life purpose, writing it large and reading it out loud to yourself each day.  These “I am” statements are powerful in reprogramming our thoughts and intentions to sweep aside our inner saboteurs.   They help us to focus on who we really are: powerful individuals with the desire to leave our world a better place for having lived.

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

New Site Switch

To those of you who are enjoying this site and are having my posts sent to you via email, you now can do the same with my new site blog: www.parisecoaching.com.  Eventually I will be shutting down this site (www.heartcentercoaching.wordpress.com) and posting only at my web site.  It’s the same blog, just a slightly different format.

You can now click in the box on the upper right corner after opening up the blog on the home page at www.parisecoaching.com and automatically each post will be emailed to you!  I hope you enjoy the new site as much as I did helping to create it.  Soon images of my art work will also have a home there, as I am reaching out to artists and their creative enterprise.  Spread the word about this blog.  It is meant to help men and those who love them.  Today’s post follows…it’s on Powerful Questions.

Powerful Questions

Ever get stuck talking with your kids, your spouse, or colleagues?  You know they’re struggling with something and all you get are dead-end or yes/no answers with no follow-up.  I recall many conversations as a child with my parents that ended at a blank wall of silence because they wanted facts or answers.  I don’t recall them asking me how I felt or how I saw a situation.  I knew they were quick to judge and take action, which made me afraid to reveal too much to them.

Powerful questions are provocative and open-ended. They send your listener to new territory. They are inherently curious.  They communicate that you’re asking them to think about their situation, but that it’s not about you getting more information so that you can help them.  You’re simply being curious, like a child.

Some sample powerful questions might be:  What are the possibilities?  If you had your choice, what would you do? What are possible solutions?  What do you make of it all?  What do you think? What do you think is best? How does it look to you?  How do you feel about it?  What have you tried so far?  What do you mean?  What does it look/sound/feel like?  What seems to confuse you?  What was it like?  What happened? How does this fit with your plans/way of life/values?  What do you think?

Good listeners naturally fall into the pattern of powerful questions; that’s what makes them good listeners.  Those who simply want to be helpers, or perhaps need to be helpers, will often just gather information, waiting for the moment to take action to rescue or give advice.   There are of course times and places for this, but not as a general rule in our mutual interactions.  The great thing about powerful questions is that ultimately they help people help themselves, and that is the cardinal rule of good coaching. 

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Merely Adequate?

Want to hurt a guy?  Call him adequate!  Nothing upsets a man more than feeling simply adequate: as a worker, as a parent, as a lover.   And if he loses his job, his children, or his lover, he frequently feels trapped and depressed because now he is even less than adequate as a human being.

I had a mentor in seminary who now in his eighties and still as sharp as ever.  Fr. Larry knew every book and periodical in the library.  He was a scholar on the thought of Henry Cardinal Newman’s works (a moderate nineteenth century English theologian and convert to Catholicism) and on canon law.  Never given to superlatives, whenever asked about most matters, he rarely said anything was other than “adequate.”

The word adequate has two very different meanings:  1. fully sufficient, suitable, or fit; sufficient for a specific requirement: adequate taxation of goods; 2. barely sufficient or satisfactory: her first performance was merely adequate.  It is interesting that the same word, depending on context, can be heard as greatly encouraging or terribly discouraging.

Being adequate according to the first definition really ought to be our goal in life. Even though we may reach for the stars beyond our dreams being adequate as in “fully sufficient, suitable or fit” is rather commendable.  Yet how many of us instead default into the second definition: “barely sufficient or satisfactory,” as if we are struggling to meet the minimum standards of manhood.

Coaching can be all about the words and concepts we use to define ourselves and the meanings and back-stories we give to those words.  Thus, I hope I am an adequate human being and an adequate coach, with the first definition in mind.  I also know that I can shift into definition two at times but that does not identify my whole life.  I choose always to see myself as “fully sufficient, suitable and fit!”  How about you?

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Male Spirituality VII: Cheerleading

An important role we men can play in the lives of other men is that of cheerleader, particularly at work.  This is integral to living out an effective male spirituality that connects people with their powerful inner resolve.  Interdependence and interconnection is what makes a company and a society truly one worth joining and participating in.

There is often a negative stereotype about cheerleaders being vapid air heads who say nice things in order to quell rebellion and discontent in the ranks.  “Go team!”  Most people can see through mindless parroting of a company’s party line and just ignore it.  A more authentic and integrated role of cheerleader however, when properly exercised is undervalued in most work situations.

At a recent cookout Mark, the host’s brother-in-law was bringing me up to date about his company.  He spoke of cutbacks and the usual struggles of a smaller consulting firm.  He was happy about being kept on as one of the senior members of the team.

Mark has the gift of being an intelligent cheerleader, not just for the sake of management, but primarily to serve the needs of the individuals with whom he works, particularly the junior members who do not have the history or experience he has.  He noted that he’s gratified to be able to assist others when they get stuck, either in a project or in an attitude.  He’s aware of the need to express a positive, yet realistic perspective and by doing so brings up the communication and productivity of everyone else.

This kind of cheerleader, far from being a shill for management, is actually a necessary bridge between management and staff.  Showing genuine care for one another as persons, without getting into a lot of personal discussion and without playing politics, is key to a successful cheerleader at work, and therefore, to a successful company.   A company that arbitrarily lets go of senior members just to save money may actually be sabotaging itself by getting rid of its most effective cheerleaders.

Who are the cheerleaders among your fellow workers?  What makes their encouraging spirit successful for you?  How might you imitate them to become a valuable part of the ongoing development of your fellow employees?

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

The Tragedy of A.P.A.B.

Don’t feel badly if you didn’t get this acronym; I just made it up:  Adult Passive Aggressive Behavior.  Many of us have been guilty of it at least once.  We smile and nod and then do what we want, all the while being self-involved, unkind, sneaky, manipulative, dishonest, and most of all unjust, by not giving what is rightfully due to the others.  Passive aggression is hard to spot at a glance because we tend not to believe an adult is really acting that way.

I clean homes to make ends meet while I am building up my coaching practice.  I charge a very reasonable $25 per hour and am willing to do almost any chore.  I was recently hired by a man to clean his and his partner’s home in a nearby town.  At my initial visit, I spent 3.5 hours vacuuming, mopping, washing, dusting, changing beds, cleaning windows, etc.  While I worked the visiting mother-in-law hovered over me, inspected my work, took mental notes, and made comments.  When I left she gave me a little over half of what I was owed.  A phone call to the owner assured me that a check would be forthcoming for the balance.

Soon an email informed me that my work was not perfect and that I was fired.  He assured me the check for the balance was still in the mail.  Weeks later, I called when the check didn’t arrive.  This triggered his anger and his refusal to listen to reason.  He hung up on me after telling me to get out of the cleaning business.  Nice guy.

The worst part of passive aggressive behavior is the withholding of justice.  When we do not give what another person is due, and make up a story for ourselves in order to justify our injustice, we are acting sub-human.  It’s not pretty and we think we’re getting away with something, but we are actually contributing to the tearing apart of the human community.  How do we deal with such people?  Very carefully!

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Independence

I’m writing this post on July 4 and just thinking about independence, something I cherish.  Most of us don’t wish to be dependent on anyone.  It’s part of the spirit of being American, and let me tell you, it is ten times more prevalent in the New England Yankee spirit!  But are we shooting ourselves in the foot in our hunger for independence?

Two evenings ago I got a call from a Deb whose pet cat of 19 years was losing ground and slowly showing signs of dying.  This cat had seen her through the darkest period of her life, a real soul friend.  Deb’s pet brought her stability and safety, something she could count on.  Now she was close to losing her comforting presence.  My independence from family and job responsibilities enabled me to be there “for” her, for four hours of intense counsel and coaching.

Are you independent “from” people or independent “for” them?  Does your independence offer you the freedom to enter more deeply into others’ lives or simply to get more wrapped up in your own?  Has your independence offered more community or are you feeling like an island, alone in a vast ocean of humanity?

I wonder if we are meant to be independent “for” rather than “from.”  Oughtn’t our individual freedom free us up to be there for others?  Isn’t real independence meant to liberate us from our darker selves, our saboteurs that tell us that we don’t have time for others, or even for our own needs?  Independence well lived can re-knit the bonds of community and rekindle the love that we were meant to share as fellow pilgrims on the road to success.

Read more at my website at www.parisecoaching.com.  Contact the Man’s Coach at michael@parisecoaching.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Same Blog, New Site

Greetings to you, my blog followers.   Thank you for the fantastic feedback I’ve received thus far. If you’ve been enjoying my blog, make it a point to tell others about it.  I keep my blog posts short so that they can be provocative points of reflection anytime during the day.

Those of you who have been enjoying the Man’s Coach can now receive a fuller overview of my vocation as a life coach.  My new web site is also from WordPress: www.parisecoaching.com.

For a short time I will continue to post in www.heartcentercoaching.wordpress.com but I prefer you to replace this URL on your favorites listing with:  www.parisecoaching.com where you’ll find all of the posts from the Man’s Coach.  You can contact me on a convenient email address: michael@parisecoaching.com.

As always I welcome your comments and contributions to coaching in general and specifically concerning my specialties: men in relationship transition and artists who are seeking to “extract the abstract” through their work.  As always I offer a FREE one hour coaching session to all who contact me.

Plan B

Most of us are hoping that our life choices will be fulfilling and satisfying.  Our careers, our life-partners, our children and friends, and our economic future all contribute to our happiness and sense of accomplishment.  Yet if we are conscious and mindful we can’t help but admit that sometimes everything doesn’t work out the way we’ve planned.  We need a general outline of possibilities that will cushion us if we are faced with major changes in outcome of our life-choices.  We need Plan B.

My own Plan B when I was ordained a priest included living below my means to save enough so that I was not entirely dependent on the church institution in old age or if I wanted to leave ministry.  Plan B for me has also been a conviction that I can change and do not have to stay stuck in life-choices I made when I was 22.  Living in the present moment and being as happy as possible now, rather than seeking some elusive dream, is also part of my Plan B.

Each person’s contingency Plan B will vary depending upon their circumstances and their ability to dream. It may be very detailed, for example life insurance to cover dependents in case of sudden death,  home owners’ insurance to cover possible natural disasters in different parts of the country, or a safe house where a mother and children can go if physically threatened.   It may also be more in the realm of a possible, but not probable course of action, a mental pressure valve of sorts.  I used to muse about moving to San Diego, changing my name, and living a whole new life.

Playing with having a Plan B does not mean I will ever carry it out.  It’s a device to get me thinking about some possible future scenarios tailored to my particular personality.  It also helps me to feel un-stuck and opens my mind and heart to new surprises.  Plan B keeps my dreaming alive, prevents me from being over-confident, and reminds me that I have the power within me for amazing accomplishments if only I do not limit myself to present circumstances and resources.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

”Ichiban”

Today we’re learning a bit of Japanese.  The term “ichiban” (apart from being the name of a restaurant) means “number one, the best”.  Are you ichiban?  Are you the most important person in your life?

Sunday I met Stephanie.  She’s a divorced mother of four; the oldest is graduating high school this month.  She’s apparently got great genetics; she looks 10-15 years younger than her age.   But most of all she looks happy and alive.  She is clearly ichiban!

Stephanie tends one of the bars at the Beehive Restaurant in the South End of Boston.   I was there with a friend for brunch and she took our orders.  Her energy was very positive and attractive.  She explained that, while she’s not making piles of money, and the odd hours can sometimes be a challenge, on the whole she feels very fortunate.  She doesn’t have to commute far to work.  She meets interesting people.  She gets to serve the Beehive’s great food and listen to live jazz entertainment.

At some point Stephanie decided to drop out of the rat race.  She took her positive, strong feminine yang energy and remade her life after her divorce in a way that served her and her children best.  She simply considered herself as the most important person in her life as the top priority.

When we take time to reflect upon the kind of life that might really suit us we may discover that we don’t fit into the “normal” patterns.  We come to realize that resonance between our core energy and the sort of work we do to make a living is essential if we are to be successful and happy.  We are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do this, which often means living below our means.

I discovered this fact after I left the priesthood and tried out a couple of administrative jobs.  There was a serious dissonance between my core energy and the culture surrounding the jobs.  I was not as happy as I am now, working as a life coach, focusing on men, their relationship transitions, and the people who love them.

Are you ichiban?  What are the blocks to living according to your real values, rather than the ones that have been imposed on you?  Are you in a job and in relationships that resonate with your core energy?  I hope so, because I want to meet more people like Stephanie.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Male Spirituality VI: Hitting Bottom

The other day I was speaking with Joan, a friend with whom I attended a couple of seminars.  Joan’s been married for five years to Todd.  They have no children.  In the past year or so Joan has been doing a lot of soul-searching and has realized that Todd’s family of origin issues are preventing him from expressing appropriate love for her.  He can barely relate to himself, let alone a spouse.  He is full of anger, hurt and fear due to his parents’ alcoholism.  Joan is afraid that divorce is around the corner.

Todd is but one example of a legion of men and women whose parent(s) were addicted, living constantly on the edge of rage, emotionally unavailable and/or abusive, and who robbed their children their ability to connect emotionally as adults.  Todd is afraid to face the rage and anger within him.  He avoids dealing with it directly, and instead uses his wife as an “understanding crutch” for support and understanding.  She in turn is exhausted trying to fight his losing battle and is starved for real intimacy.  They are caught in a downward spiral of codependence.

Key to recovery and to shifting the perspective and facing the truth is “hitting bottom”.  People addicted to substances or behaviors generally do not seek help to get sober until they realize they’re about to lose, or have lost, everything and everybody.   Many have to hit several bottoms in order to sustain their sobriety.  Hitting bottom is merely a start.  The real work of sobriety begins on the emotional level, where a lifetime of dysfunction has to be rewritten.

Children who grow up in dysfunctional homes learn quickly to develop their own survival mechanisms.  They put aside their own needs as individuals in order to cope, gauging others’ emotions, role-playing through life, figuring out if and how the abuser might next act, wishing that their caretakers would simply say, “ENOUGH” and take the kids out of the toxic world they’re in.

These children often grow up without proper boundaries and are emotionally incapable of mature and healthy relationships.  If they do not become abusers themselves, they end up abusing their own hearts and souls by starving themselves of the real human connections they need to thrive.  These poor souls may be academically brilliant and go on to have sterling careers, but ultimately they are emotionally empty shells.

The heart-breaking reality?  Until the Todds of this world hit their own bottom, reach their own point of utter despair and/or desperation, they are not going to seek help.  Nothing we say or do will make them break open their anger and hurt.  Those whom they love (or think they love) may cease to tolerate their denial and the emotional devastation left in their wake.  The healthy will leave them behind, and at least for them their lives can begin again.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Kick-Starting Romance

Ah, the great mystery of life…how do we attract the right people to us for romantic, intimate, loving, supportive relationships?   Lately I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching as to how I might attract more people into my life for close and emotionally satisfying friendships…and even romance.  I’ve dealt with my external appearance, so there’s got to be much more.

Let’s deal with what’s internal and unspoken.  How is our body language attracting or repelling potential relationships?  When we look into someone’s eyes what do we see and what are we projecting?  How are our hidden thoughts and judgments being communicated through our eyes?  Are we trying too hard to sell ourselves or are we going overboard in trying to please?

How’s our affect?  An affect is more than an emotion.  It is the sum total of the emotions we feel that get squeezed out the sides.  We may think our day is going fine, but ongoing struggles, disappointments, hurts and anger from the past may actually dominate and communicate to others as an overall affect.  It’s like a neon sign flashing that says: “No matter what I say, I’m actually depressed, angry, sad, lonely, tired, stressed, busy… etc.”

Then there are judgments.  All of us make judgments, all the time.   We don’t have to take on the negative energy of judgments.   But we often make them ourselves in order to protect us from being hurt.  They can be walls of defense or weapons of offense.  (How many of us judge the person behind the wheel by the make and model of the car or truck they’re driving?)

What about anger?  I frequently hear anger and disappointment in others (one of the judgments I make!).  The tone of their voice, their choice of words, their negative slant on situations, their posture, and their tendency to blame others all add up to someone who has a lot of baggage to resolve.

Are we overly serious or playful?  Some of us put on our serious, analytical hat as soon as we meet a new person.  Others of us just get silly and seem to take nothing seriously.  Either extreme can be red flags.

I came to the conclusion with the help of my coach that I needed a new way of presenting myself in the world.   I won’t tell you what it is because it would spoil the surprise.  What might be an image or perspective that you can take on to “condition” you to project the kind of person you really are and want others to see first?

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

I Surrender! Do you really?

I realized in “Going Deeper,” the workshop on masculine/feminine energy I recently attended, how often I fight with myself and others.  It’s almost a hobby, being in conflict with realities I don’t wish to experience.  Sound familiar to anyone else?  At one point Ian Ellington, our teacher, mentioned that these inner conflicts become a habit and we isolate ourselves from others just to punish them.  Actually due to our unresolved anger, often rooted in events from childhood, we end isolated from our selves instead.  We think, “I’ll show them!” but we’re only rehurting our inner child.  What we really need is less fight and more surrender.

In both fantasy and real life surrender is usually the last thing on anyone’s mind.  To surrender is usually a sign of ultimate defeat.  The wrestler on the mat, once pinned, taps the floor to indicate he acknowledges he’s been overpowered.  It’s the last thing he wants to do.

Developing a positive perspective around surrender is difficult.  We have so few examples of it to inspire us.  Yet surrender is often not just a last resort.  It is a calculated decision to survive in order to fight another day.

But there’s another aspect of surrender that many of us have experienced.  Surrender is an important spiritual event when we end our resistance in the face of inevitable and uncontrollable odds.  People in twelve step programs for addiction to substances and behaviors know about this kind of surrender.  They are powerless and come to know it.  Recovery then has a chance to take root.

Wise coaching helps men to overcome both their tendency to fight and remain in conflict every time something bad seems to happen, and to run from reality through isolation.  Like the white flag in battle, surrender offers breathing room to negotiate a settlement.  In the same way we all need that breathing room where we can look more objectively at the situation we’re in, appreciate our gifts, and plan our next move into our powerful future and ultimate personal success.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Feminine/Masculine Energy

I recently returned from a workshop on tantric energy given by the brilliant Ian Ellington.  I thank him as my source for this posting.  Joining 23 other men, I explored the impact our life energy has on transforming our lives.

Tantra is a group of spiritual teachings that emphasize finding enlightenment through the body by working with the body’s energies, impulses and habits.  This erotic energy has the power to heal us, particularly of childhood trauma of abuse or isolation.  It is also the energy that enables us to move into our world with intention and acceptance in order to create and transform.

The symbol shown is ancient and depicts Yin and Yang.  On one side are the Feminine Yin (black section) and the Feminine Yang (white dot).  The Yin is receptive, latent, dark and unexposed.  The Feminine Yang is exertive, chaotic and transforming.

On the other side are the Masculine Yang (white section) and the Masculine Yin (black dot).  The Yang is active, bright, and exposed.  The Masculine Yin is steadfast, resourceful and abiding energy, holding space for others.

Each of us, whether male or female, uses the four energies to varying degrees.  One may dominate; we may also switch to another in response to someone else’s energy field.  The injustice, poverty, hunger, and violence in our world is the result of the misuse and imbalance of these powerful energies within families, businesses and governments.  Alternatively, the conscious and mindful use of our erotic energy can move relationships in the direction toward creation and transformation.

Sound coaching takes into account the power of our personal energy fields and how they are being expressed through our masculine and feminine principals.  When men get in deeper touch with their masculine Yin, and women with their feminine Yang, we witness changes that bring about justice, freedom, balance, and healthier personal and professional relationships.

Due to shifts in the use of personal erotic energy, the civil rights movement, the end of apartheid in South Africa, the healing in 12 step programs, and reconciliation between people and countries can result.  Yin and Yang is not just a trite phrase; it is a powerful container for personal and global transformation.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Judged!

Ever feel judged by someone?  Have you ever made a judgment about someone, including yourself?  Good!  Then you’re a normal human being!  Judgment is nothing more than a personal opinion and if we are going to live in society, in community, we are going to be judged.  In fact, the more authentically we live, the more we can expect judgment.  But we have to be prepared to turn the finger we point at the other toward ourselves.

Judgments always say more about us than about the other person.  In our judgment of the other we are usually naming something we see in ourselves that we don’t like.  Judgment is triggered by a gut reaction to something said or done that we can identify with, usually in a negative way.

Recently I had the delightful experience of a workshop for men.  One of the exercises had to do with naming someone in the group against whom I had a judgment and then speak the judgment to him directly!  Wow, talk about nerve-wracking!  We barely knew each other, but I took the risk to tell him my judgment.  He listened, and then later I realized that what I shared was really something I feared and disliked in myself.

Someone whom we might label as “judgmental” is simply a person full of fear or self-recrimination who projects his or her insecurities, anger, or personal limitations on others.  This isn’t to say that he isn’t correct in his judgment but that he is often unable to point the finger back at himself and look into his own heart.

Judgments also carry a lot of negative energy.  It’s this negative energy that we feel when we are being judged and that we avoid when having to look into ourselves.  The great thing is that I don’t have to take on the negative energy associated with judgment.  It belongs to the giver of the judgment and not to me.  By the same token, I need to accept the affect the negative energy from my own judgments is having on me.  And then move on to the next slice of human existence.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Post Postponement

I will return to posting on June 25.  In the meantime, scroll down and check out posts you may have missed reading.  You also may still leave comments, ideas, suggestions, and experiences for our followers and readers!

Michael Parise, The Man’s Coach

The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him at michaelparise@gmail.com

 

Finding True Happiness

Confession: I’ve been on a search all my life for true happiness.  Haven’t we all?  As a child happiness came almost automatically.  Our experiences were fresh and new.  However we performed academically, school opened up new worlds of possibility for happiness.  How infectious it still is to see children expressing joy over little things.  When times are tough, don’t we wish we could return to those innocent moments?

As we grew up we began to expand the limits of happiness into our relationships.  We chummed around our “best friend,” oblivious to time as we explored our world and conversed about everything.  We had our first romantic crushes.  We came to view ourselves increasingly as separate individuals, which ironically set us apart from the rest of the world, and gave us our first taste of being somehow lonely or incomplete.  Many got stuck there and the search for happiness got focused more and more outside of our selves.

As adults many of us continually look for happiness in externals.  There’s always the “next thing” that will bring the true contentment we seek.  The next degree, the next career move, the next big vacation, the next gourmet meal, and the next addition to our wardrobe, our garage, or our electronics collection become holy grails to happiness.

But the search for happiness becomes a seriously debilitating when we look for it in relationships outside of ourselves.  Contentment in healthy friendships and in caring adults based on interdependence is one thing.  But I often see in my clients an unhealthy expectation that someone in their lives will be the “one” to complete them, to bring them the joy that is otherwise missing in life, to fill the emptiness they feel.

Codependency, whereby we depend on others to give us cues as to how to feel and act and react in life in order to find happiness, is a dead-end.  Yet many of us fall into it in desperation.  It’s a kind of addiction to parents, siblings, intimate friends, spouses, professional colleagues, whom we think will let us in on their secret to happiness.  We seek our cues from them as to how we ought to be feeling in a given situation.  This lopsided drive to inner contentment and self-respect lead us to put a noose around our necks that pulls tight every time we fail to live up to our end of the codependent relationship.

Coaching can help identify the codependent relationships we’ve formed and how they seem to benefit us, but actually hobble our personal growth, freedom, and power.  A co-active coaching relationship is just the opposite of codependent.  It enables both client and coach to find true independence and interdependence, while discovering that happiness has always been there in our lives.  It’s not been as elusive as we’ve thought.  It is as close as we are to our selves, to a mindful consciousness of our unique giftedness, and to an appreciation for the unrepeatable miracle that each of us is.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Male Spirituality V: Fathers’ Day…for All Fathers?

The vast majority of fathers in our country are excellent parents.  Yet stereotypes about men and assumptions about their maleness are far too prejudicial in a number of areas regarding fathers and their children.  Steven Van Valkenburg and Trudy Scheutt write on men’s issues.  They remind us that:

“With roughly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, and most child custody decisions going in favor of mothers, many men find themselves deprived of their children while making large support payments to an ex-wife who may be turning their children against them.  The family court system is in itself adversarial, and makes an “amicable divorce” unlikely.  In far too many cases, this has led fathers to become unemployed, bankrupt, imprisoned, homeless, and even suicidal.  Meanwhile, children from fatherless homes are more likely to abuse illicit drugs or alcohol, become pregnant as teenagers, drop out of school, commit crimes, and go to jail.  Children benefit most when both parents are equally involved in their lives, and public policy should reflect this by adopting a presumption of shared custody.”

These provocative statements ought to incite conversation around issues pertaining to children and fathers.  Public discourse lags behind in these matters in part because certain assumptions (which are really fallacies) about men have been buttressed by anecdote, hysteria, and the media:

1. Men are unfeeling.
2. Men are stronger than women.
3. Men wish to dominate women.
4. Men need women to straighten out men’s lives.
5. Men cannot parent as well as women.
6. Men should not be teachers of young grade school children.
7. Men are always the aggressors in domestic disputes.
8. Men enjoy going out to work every day.
9. Men put their careers ahead of their family.
10. Men are sexually irresponsible.
11. Men don’t care for their children born out-of-wedlock.
12. Men will try to get away with not paying child support.
13.  Men have little to contribute to the spirituality of their children.
14. The world would be a better and more peaceful place if women were in charge of everything.

A wise professor once said that to assume means to make an “ASS out of U and ME”.  While there may be truth in certain assumptions, they never represent a full picture.  If we’re going to have any intelligent discourse on anything we need to table our assumptions and communicate with each other honestly, admitting our ignorance and seeking truth from one another’s experience.

We’ve come far since the day when women and children were considered chattel.  Unfortunately some groups within organized religions continue to pigeon-hole men and women according to stereotypical roles and identities.  This does violence to any concept of a healthy spirituality.  The fullness of men and women, of fathers and mothers, cannot stand up to such narrow and prejudicial definitions as if they come from God, no matter whose scriptures are quoted, no matter how eloquent the preacher, no matter how emotionally convincing the argument.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Adventure

We all need some adventure to spice up our lives occasionally.  We see this need in male children as they explore, test their physical prowess, role play, and go off in flights of imagination.  As a child I loved exploring the woods at the end of Silver Mine Road.  There were remnants of an old excavation in the hillside, piles of wooden planks left to rot, and the thought that maybe someone had struck it rich…or not.  Down the hill from the “mine” was a bubbling stream, flanked by garter snake nests, ferns and boulders.  It was my private world, my personal adventure.

Before World War II over 40% of the American population lived in such rural surroundings.  For them daily life itself was an adventure, sometimes full of risk and uncertainty.  Drought, floods, attacks by wild animals, plowing, harvesting, milking, livestock, mining, and simply surviving disease and early death made life risky.

As more people in suburbs and cities removed themselves from the wildness of nature, they’ve taken radical steps to find adventure.  A first many could not afford to travel to foreign lands, so world’s fairs and international expositions brought the exotic to their doorstep.  Eventually world’s fairs gave birth to the modern theme park and theme vacation concepts.  These permanent installations fill many people’s need for adventure where no one gets hurt, the risk is more in our imagination, and we get to expand our horizons a bit, albeit artificially.

But maybe we’re too focused on the need to go out of our daily routine for adventure.  Most families can ill afford such expensive outings anyway.  If we look carefully we will find plenty of adventure in our daily routines.

With a perspective of finding wonder and awe all around us, we can turn each day into one filled with adventure.  For example, a friend of mine is turning her estrangement from her narcissistic husband into a new life for herself, full of promise and personal growth.  And she’s invited her friends along for the ride…and what a ride’s it’s been!

A great issue for a client and coach to work with is our need for adventure.  Is it being met?  Are you able to find it daily, in the simple tasks of your life such as cooking, cleaning the house, homework, catching the train or meeting a new client?  Life itself ought to be an adventure that engages every part of us.  We needn’t retreat to a theme park for any more risk and excitement than today already brings.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Space: The Final Frontier

The other day I went up to my friend Mark’s home.  He and his roommate rent the second and attic floors of a nice early 20^th century home in Boston.  He’d let things go for a while and asked me to help him reorganize his space.  It was not terribly difficult because he had an idea of what he wanted, where, and how he wanted his space to function.  In the end, we got his closet and room clutter under control and organized space for various uses.  We even found room for additional storage with space to spare!

One of my foundational goals is always to have space to spare, both externally and internally.  Periodically I go through my little home and get rid of stuff I’m not using so that I always have a couple of empty drawers, breathing room in my closet, and simplified storage in the basement.  Like Mark I know what I want, where I want it, and how I want my space to function.

The same is true of my internal world.  I alone know how I best function.  I am aware of how much pressure and stress is too much and the fact I need to eat so that my doggone hypoglycemia (which kicks in like clockwork at 11:30 am and 5:30 pm every day) will not be an issue.

One (of several) matters I lag behind on is realizing more immediately how I am being affected emotionally by others.  When something happens out of left-field, my go-to emotions tend to be hurt leading to anger.  These are two of my internal saboteurs that prevent me from being fully conscious and therefore taking appropriate action to protect myself and address the issue effectively.  They greedily grab up a lot of my extra space.

Another area needing internal space has to do with my work style.  For example, I am definitely not meant to spend hours commuting to work every week.  Computers are useful tools, not an appendage to which I am chained.  The best boss to work for is me.

The extra mental and emotional space I create is very useful.  Aside from keeping me in better balance, it affords me time and inspiration for painting, cooking, posting in my blog, and being the best life coach and friend I can be.  I thus have a greater capacity to listen to others deeply, to perceive their real needs, and to respond to them authentically.

Oops, got to go now.  It’s 11 am and my stomach is telling me to defrost some of that nice homemade pasta sauce and meatballs I made a couple of months ago for today’s lunch…I think I’ll have whole wheat penne…..

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Responsibility and Blame

A therapist friend mentioned to me that an awful lot of his male clients have a hard time taking responsibility for their words and actions that often lead to relationship breakdowns.  The clueless men involved just seem to walk away from situations and people who were once keys to their happiness.  They don’t bother examining the part they played in the sequence of events.

What is it that prevents some men from taking responsibility?  With a 50% divorce rate and perhaps an even higher rate of break-ups of cohabitating couples, and a plethora of children who hardly, if ever, see their fathers, there is certainly enough responsibility to go around.  Clearly the entire burden cannot be place on women’s shoulders; so what’s going on?

My theory is that men shy away from taking responsibility when things go awry because they confuse responsibility with blame.  Blame is an ugly word; it implies that a person consciously caused the misfortune that befell him or another.  So who would want to feel blamed?

Yet in nearly 35 years of pastoral work I have rarely encountered anyone who deliberately set out to hurt themselves or another.  Rather pain is usually caused in the heat of the moment, when people are upset or angry.  They have not taken the time to reflect, to be conscious, and to think through the possible consequences of their words or actions.

Blame is also a defining condition that is imposed on oneself or on another.  Blaming is labeling.  It is very unhelpful in the long run.  It only serves to shame and degrade, as in Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter.  Responsibility is very different.

To be responsible means to take ownership of at least 50% of the situation and its outcome.  Now, some of you may be thinking:  But she IS to blame!  He IS the one who started it!  If x,y or z didn’t happen 30 years ago, I would NOT BE in this mess!

Well, I’m sorry, but that’s tough luck.  Being human has never been easy.  At least now we have a myriad of lawsuits instead of justice at the end of a gun barrel.  The words and actions I use today are my responsibility.  I have the ability to respond to the situation at hand.  I can’t put the entire mess on someone else no matter how egregious the wound, how serious the fault, how cutting the remark, and yes, how abusive the experience.  Even when I am victimized I am still responsible (unless emotionally impaired) to correct the situation for myself and not allow the victimization to continue, either externally or internally.

As adults we have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and those who are vulnerable and in our charge (ahem!…are you listening child abusers and sexual predators?).  Though we and they may have experienced extreme behavior from another, we still have the power to be responsive as ethical and mindful adults.  Blaming gives away our power.  Being responsible takes it back.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Guilty as Charged!

I’ve managed to rid myself of a lot of false guilt, rooted in lousy feelings and self-defeat.  Guilt for me is rather my knowing that I’ve done something I should not do, that violates my own values and ethics.  But guilt comes in a lot of other forms.  It can feel like a pang in the pit of our stomach or a flush of heat rising toward our heads, especially after saying or doing something stupid or embarrassing.  Guilt can also masquerade as shame, whereby we feel self-defeated or somewhat defective just for being ourselves.

I’ve been discovering that it’s this last form of guilt that plagues a lot of people in relation to two areas: work and family.  Women’s primary guilt tends to activate if they are not living up to their expectations of being a good nurturer and support to their family and friends.  Men first tend to feel guilty around job performance and making enough money, for not having enough ambition and drive.

Working with Diane, a fellow coach, has been a great help to me.  Diane offers me a female perspective on a lot of issues.  Being a career woman, she explained to me that no matter how much women may value their jobs, many of them still feel terrible guilt that they are not being adequate wives, mothers, and lovers.  They put a lot of pressure on themselves that they are somehow letting down the people in their personal lives.  All of this is brought to work and can affect a woman’s career prospects and job performance.

Men tend to feel guilty about underachieving and underperforming at work.  They put themselves back in the neighborhood park, not wanting to be picked last for the team.  They also often project unresolved father-hunger onto their bosses, wanting “daddy’s” validation.  This guilt becomes more complicated when a man is talented and sees the big picture at work and just wants to make the system run more smoothly, but comes up against “corridor politics” that do him in through innuendo and snarky attitudes.  All of this gets brought home in some very complicated and unhelpful ways.

Learning about the primary source of guilt, be it at home or at work, can be an important point for coaching.  We can be liberated from false guilt and take positive steps to replace it with confidence and personal power.  Why waste time on false guilt, which sucks the energy and life out of us?

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Real Relationship: Not for Wimps!

I remember a time when the word “relationship” referred to a variety of connections a person might have with people, animals, objects and even institutions.  It was a generic term.   In the seventies, however, the word took on a very limited cast.  It was used increasing to mean lover.  Having a relationship with someone meant having sex with them.   It still seems to be the dominant and very limiting understanding of the word.

So what do you mean by the word “relationship”?   Can you name the various kinds and depths of relationships you have?  What value do they hold in your life?  What are you doing to foster and nurture relationship?  What is the connection between relationship and intimacy for you?

Many men have friends they can count on, best buds who watch their backs and are genuinely interested in them as whole persons.  I am fortunate enough to count among my closest relationships men and women I have known for decades.  Our conversations pick up where they left off.  We share and understand the intricacies and intimacies of our lives.  We trust each other to say the truth in love.

In my decades-long work with men of all ages, I am finding that a lot of them are starved for intimate relationships, often based in a distant connection with fathers and older brothers.  A lot of guys get married so that they can have a ready-made set of intimate relationships in their spouse and children.

Yet today, too many people are depending on random text messages as substitutes for real relationships.  Others are mistaking socializing and partying as a means to developing healthy relationships.  Millions are getting the impression that making friends requires only a post on Facebook and not actual verbal communication.

Consciously fostering a variety of relationships, particularly the kind where we can be honest and open in an atmosphere of trust and confidentiality is an essential human activity.  It requires time and intention, as well as actual face to face conversation, to develop.   Coaching is a perfect venue to test out one’s progress in establishing, fostering, and maintaining a variety of intimate and life-giving relationships.  Starting today, who needs to hear from you, or better yet, who do you need to hear from and what will you do to make it happen?

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Male Spirituality IV: Proud to be Gay?

This week Boston is celebrating Gay Pride.  A friend of mine told me of an encounter he had with a Polish couple visiting Boston years ago.  They happened to be with him touring about on the weekend of Gay Pride.  As they traipsed through the streets of downtown, they were suddenly presented with the start of the Pride Parade and a legion of Dykes on Bikes.  The visitors were aghast and didn’t know what to make of it all.  My friend, a therapist, explained the best he could that this was celebration by homosexuals affirming their place in American society.  The Poles, still under communist rule at his time responded, “I can understand they want a parade, but what is there to be proud of?”

Therein lays the nub of the issue.  Pride, self-respect, honesty, openness, transparency, and honoring one’s identity are central to a healthy spirituality.  We can’t relate to a “higher power” if we can’t relate to ourselves.  We cannot claim freely to “pray” or “meditate” if we are in conflict with our selves.  If as individuals we were more advanced in this area alone, we would eliminate most of the codependence and dysfunction we witness in families today.

Gay Pride is one expression of about 10% of our population who have been and still are misunderstood and misjudged because of their primarily same-sex attraction.  This percentage does not begin to represent the many people who are sexually attracted to varying degrees to both genders.  Whatever the numbers, we find gays and lesbians in every culture, in every ethnic and racial group, and in every part of the world.

Incorporating one’s sexual identity with one’s spirituality is a life-long process, particularly when one experiences persecution or bigotry around this area.   Self-acceptance and self-love are at the heart of most religions’ messages.  They are at the core of building community coalitions that need to be concerned with more important issues than bedroom activities, such as homeless, poverty, hunger, education, and violence.  All healthy spirituality leads to service, a deeper consciousness for the world, and a more profound mindfulness in our mutual relations.  To that end, we ought to be proud.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

What Men Want in Women

The masculine and the feminine: both are present in each of us.  Both create a tension that challenges personal relationships and professional alliances.  In my previous post I wrote about what women want from their men.  I will now address the other side of the coin.

Men in healthy relationships seek interdependence with other as much as women.  They just go about it differently.  Men discover their truest and best selves when their mates are confident and strong as well.  Most men I have worked with may not understand their feminine side but they look to women to draw it out of them, while still affirming their masculine qualities.

Men want to be heroes.  Heroism is very much rooted in men’s tendency toward linear thinking and acting.  In this model there is usually a clear goal, a strategy or two to achieve the goal, materials and resources, and the inner resolve to finish the job.  We see this linear mode of acting when men are rescuing victims in a burning building or simply shopping for underwear.

Men need women who will communicate their respect and appreciation for their hero-mates.  This often means letting a guy do most things his way.  This is particularly true when a man enters the traditional female domains of home-making and child-rearing.  There is, after all, no perfect method for changing a diaper.  The last thing a man needs is “mommy” telling him he’s wrong.

Men like to be strong even when they don’t feel it.  This is not necessarily a form of denial but rather a way that men prepare for what is coming next.  Real men don’t need the strength of being “macho.”  They know that “macho” is narcissistic and often results in someone feeling diminished.

True strength lies in a man’s ability restrain himself.  A man who thus refines his actions and reactions becomes a true gentle-man.  A woman who affirms this quality in her man will deepen his self-respect, the source of his strength.  And in the naturally quiet, sensitive or intellectual man, she will open new doors for expressing his inner strength in ways which may not have been obvious to him until then.

Ultimately, like women, men want their mate to listen to them.  It may take time for her man to formulate his thoughts and say what he wants to say, so give him space.  Remember he is trying to reconcile the contradictory messages he’s getting from society about what constitutes a “real man” today.  As a woman comes into her own personal power, she can be an agent of transformation for her man.  She can be what a man needs most: an intimate friend, a trusted confidante, and an equal partner in life.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

What Women Want in Men

When I was preparing couples for marriage I often got the feeling they “clicked” as a couple.   Unless I observed a major issue of immaturity that needed to be addressed, I usually gave them the benefit of doubt if they seemed mismatched in some way.  After all, despite my fear of a 50% divorce rate, I could not ultimately know which couples would work at their marriages successfully.

The major indicator I looked for in a potentially successful marriage was a healthy interdependence between the male and female, versus an unhealthy codependence.  This led me to wonder just what was essential to a healthy interdependence and what qualities a woman and a man looked for and nurtured in each other potential spouses.  So I thought I’d go way out on limb (since I’ve never married) and spend a couple of blogs on this.

Women striving for health interdependence really do want men to express their love consistently in word and action, treating them in a uniquely special way.  This is not meant to be reserved for courting, but as a life’s commitment till death.  Women want and need to know that the man she’s devoting her life to acknowledges this fact.  That’s why for many women the opportunity for real romance is 24/7, as a mere prelude to physical intimacy.

Women also want their mates to be willing to dive into fatherhood with both hands, sometimes elbow deep in diapers.  They know how important a father’s love is, sometimes more than a man knows, who has sometimes been starved for his own father’s affection.  She needs to know that her children are being protected and nurtured by her hero.

The one most important qualities women want in a man is the capacity to listen to her.  Women tend to work out a lot of internal complexities through verbal expression.  The smart man will learn quickly that often what seems to be incessant chatter is actually a subtle and powerful means of maintaining emotional and psychological balance.  Active listening is not only the means to learning what’s going on in her life, but is the necessary counterpoint to a man’s tendency toward linear thinking.

I’d love to see your feedback, trusted readers, on this.  Add to the discussion with your personal stories.  Ultimately a good marriage is founded on a good coaching experience between two people working co-actively as a team.  Each takes on the role of coach for the other and miracles happen!

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

A Plea to Men

What is your deepest desire?  If there were no limits at all placed on achieving what you really want in your life, what would it be?  Sensing that we do not deserve or cannot achieve our deepest desires is self-defeating.  We were not meant to dream in vain.  The seemingly impossible in our lives appears that way only because of the perspective we embrace.  The same is true of the possible, of the wonderful and good dreams we have.  We need to embrace the perspective that will lead to the fulfillment of those dreams, the perspective of success.

I have found in my working with men for the past three decades that most men flow through life with wildly wonderful hopes and dreams that they believe can be fulfilled.  That is, until they reach around their late forties.  With mid-life comes the realization that all success does not come in their early years.  They begin to moan within: I can’t get to where I want to be; there’s not enough time, money, or opportunity. 

Are you at the point of wondering if your dreams will ever come true?  Do you feel as if you’ve peaked in your career and have hit a roadblock?  Are you worried constantly about losing your job and having to reeducate yourself?  Have workplace politics trumped your talents in favor of the boss’s cronies?  Are younger colleagues with the latest and greatest designer certifications leap-frogging over you, despite your seniority, proven experience, and long-term loyalty?  Join the club!

Maybe even home life is colorless and moribund.  Has sex become a chore and much less frequent?  Perhaps your children are dealing with adolescent struggles, there’s never enough money for activities and debt repayment, and you finally realize that you’ve been living way beyond your means for the past twenty years.  I should have watched Suze Orman!

The deepest desires of your hearts have not disappeared.   They just need your cooperation and help in emerging once again.  They need to be ratified by a new perspective, YOUR new perspective.  It is possible, like the flawless reweaving of a precious but tattered tapestry, to find the loose ends and to re-weave your dreams back into your daily life.  You can match the color and texture of your present experience and work to restore the picture of who you truly are today.  Thread by thread, your deepest desires will emerge once again as a bright hue of hope, contrasted with the dull background of past disappointments.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Mundane Creativity

Susan and I have been friends since 1996 when I first went to her studio for art lessons.  This week she’s turned 65 and is younger than ever.  She’s constantly recreating herself.  Whenever Susan gets feeling low, she either goes out for a brisk run, or, in the winter, goes speed skating on a frozen pond.  She makes it a point to get her friends together for a few drinks and long, therapeutic chats.  Susan is more than a survivor; she’s a thriver.

The best thing Susan has taught me is to recalibrate my creative energy whenever I  feels I’m getting stale.  She’s amazing.  Lately she’s been making one-minute videos to put in her art class newsletter and on YouTube.  These videos are brief art instructions, pithy “quickies” that extend her influence to reach out and encourage budding artists to pick up a brush or a pencil and just start expressing themselves.

Creativity is not limited to making something pleasing to the eye or palate.  All of us possess creative energy, whether for cooking, gardening, writing software, or building homes.  The best jobs to have are those that involve some level of our creativity.  Unfortunately, a lot of us are in careers that pay us a salary but utterly lack creativity.  We might even dread having to go to work each day, drained by being drones, stuck behind computers or repetitious and mindless activity.  For this reason every one of us ought to make time for some kind of creative venture.  And if we are partnered, we need to support our partners in their creative moments.

I’ve found the most difficult part of being creative is making the time and mental space for it. Creativity requires some energy output, but it also offers us energy input.  Since I started painting,  my creative “juices” now flow and spill into many areas.  I see the deeper reality in the ordinary, and in turn am further inspired in my creation of art.

Coaching ought to address creative time for clients, especially men who can get bogged down in chores and activities that do not seem to be particularly life-giving.  A lot has to do with perspective.  If we look at even the mundane chores of life as somehow re-creative, as adding to the quality of our lives and the support of others’, then we may find that opportunities for creativity open up before us.  Mundane activities may actually be a portal through which we walk, deciding that working with our creative talents is not an option.  It is a necessity for life itself.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Risky Business

The other day at a cookout I asked the mother of a 5-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy if she found the two of them very different to raise.  She emphatically nodded, telling me that she has to keep her eye constantly on the boy, since in a split second she can find him outdoors, wandering about near danger.  She said that no matter where she places him to play, he looks somewhere else for adventure.

Both genders enjoy adventure and risk taking, but it appears while women are generally more risky in internal affairs, such as personal and relational development, most men are hard-wired for external risk.  This adventurous spirit enables men to find fulfillment in daily routine: solving concrete problems, their approach to careers, and even cleaning the house and caring for the kids.

Men find excitement in conquering of their fear, in pushing their limits.  They seem to thrive on the rush of adrenaline in fight/flight situations.  This romance with risk actually has been indispensable to civilization.   Hunting for the village, fighting to defend their land, protecting the family, and even pursuing a mate require varying degrees of risk-taking.  With much of the need for risk-taking eliminated from modern western society, men are left looking for adventure in start-up companies, inventions, geographic and space exploration, sports, and politics.

One area where a lot of men have much more trouble taking risk than women is in personal development, in process, and in creating cooperative networks.   Examining perspectives, feelings, and reactions to events and persons seem like a waste of time to many men.  Ever practical, men seek advice that will have direct bearing on a desired outcome.  Women are not as concerned about the outcome as much as the process getting there.  Men need to balance their external riskiness with more internal adventure.

Co-active coaching is about the internal life and how it makes an impact on external outcomes.  It weaves together the fragmented aspects of lives that were split apart by upbringing and personal traumas along the way.  An effective coach can help men to enter the sometimes scary realm of the internal life and walk with him through this unknown landscape to harvest a wealth of knowledge he otherwise would have overlooked.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com .  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Male Spirituality III: Eroticism and Sexuality

People have a variety of reactions toward the subject of sexuality.  Some leave their sexuality on a shelf and take down every once and while to use it.  Others maintain a duality regarding sexuality so that it is enjoyable only when accompanied by a dose of guilt.  Still others have split up their sexuality into little pieces: one piece defining gender, another piece for procreation, another for enjoyment with self, another for enjoyment with others.

Men are particularly capable of compartmentalizing their lives.  This trait may go back eons to when our ancient ancestors on the hunt had to keep their emotional reactions to a minimum as they trekked, sometimes half-starved, across the plains looking for game to kill and bring back to the tribe.   Grief over fatal attacks by beasts or distraction from fear or hunger could seriously compromise their concentration and therefore a successful hunt.

This facility for compartmentalizing extends to the ways in which many men view sexuality.  Sexuality and spirituality are actually two sides of the same coin.  Both are rooted in erotic energy, that core spirit within every human that is the source of creativity, personal power, and reaching out for relationship and community.  For this reason all people, wherever they fall within the spectrum from homosexuality to heterosexuality, must integrate this vital core into their identity and existence.  Seen in this light sexuality is not just an “add-on” to our human nature.  Nor is it reduced to a means for making children, expressing affection, or deriving personal pleasure.  It is at the essence of being spiritual, and therefore, human beings.

When presented with a great work of art, such as Michelangelo’s David or Mozart’s Requiem or Picasso’s Guernica, I can only marvel at these artists’ integration of their spirituality and sexuality, of the transcendent and the erotic in their lives.  Their work, and that of other great artists, does not hint of dualism.  And what greater work of art is there than the human being?

The more a man integrates his sexuality and eroticism with his spirituality, the closer to wholeness, and therefore to holiness, he will come.  If we believe we are made in the image and likeness of an intelligent and supreme Higher Power, then our sexuality is part of the package.  Though taboos, ritual purifications, and outright guilt-trips have been attached to our sexual/spiritual core, we might ask ourselves if the guilt and recriminations around erotic energy are a means to slavery or to freedom.  If the latter, then far from suppressing our sexual energy, we ought to make it the foundation for our personal growth.  Coaching ought to help the client to celebrate it with joy, love, and a generous spirit, rather than shame, guilt, fear, and recrimination.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com  The Man’s Coach offers one free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

The Big “T”

In 2007 I had an acoustic neuroma removed from my right skull.  This is a benign tumor of the insulating cells of the balance nerve.  It occurs quite often and can strike anyone at almost any age.  It grows slowly, but can cause a lot of long-term damage, affecting the hearing and/or facial nerves and the brain.

The operation was successful in removing the neuroma.  Blood supply to the hearing nerve was cut, however, so I am now totally and permanently deaf on one side.  I am also left with a static sound on the right side of my brain that gets louder the more noise or stress I experience (including having a nice cocktail!)

I recovered just fine after three months of slow progress.  I noticed, however, that loud, low noises (like motorcycle engines with illegal mufflers) would absolutely drain me of energy.  My balance did not improve as it should have.  I also needed to rest during the day in order to regain enough energy for my next activity.  I kept gaining weight and felt sluggish.  After two years of this I sought help.

I thought something was wrong with my endocrine system.   Eventually a blood test proved that my testosterone was very low.  I had been having no obvious physical or psychological issues around this except exhaustion and melancholy.   The doctor put me on testosterone replacement therapy.  Within two days the spring was back in my step.  Within a month I began to lose weight and went back to the gym.  Within a year, my muscle mass increased, my love handles were gone, and my depression lifted.  I felt half my age.  My T blood level went from barely 200 to 550 (200 is considered low-normal; 800 is at the top of the scale).  My guess is that the brain operation pushed my daily stress level to the point where my normally low testosterone was too low for daily functioning.

Apparently 20% of all middle-aged men suffer from low T.  Only 5% of them know it and are doing something about it.  Depression, erectile dysfunction, low libido, weight gain, and a general malaise can all be symptoms of low T.  It’s up to patients to ask their doctors about their T number.  Many physicians
don’t consider low normal to be a problem, but it may be for you as it was for me.

Middle aged guys, get checked!  There may be no need to suffer from mood swings or feel older than you ought to.  And ladies, tell your guys about this issue and coach them into better health.  I look forward to hearing about your experiences with low T, and also with acoustic neuromas.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Integrity

I recently asked my therapist to chime in on areas that he thought were important for me to address in this blog.  Top on his list was integrity.  Integrity is a virtue.  A virtue is a good habit, something that develops over time and that has to be practiced regularly for it to remain intact.  Integrity is just such a virtue.

Integrity has to do with pieces fitting into a whole so that the whole is stronger than the sum of the parts.  I like to think of a jet airliner as an example.  One would think the thing could not fly, especially after being filled with passengers and luggage.  In pieces, it’s just a pile of metal and plastic.  But put together in the right way, it takes advantage of the cross-sectional design of a bird’s wing.   The air flows across the wing so as to produce gravity-defying lift, as the engines provide forward motion.

The integrity of the design and construction of airliners saves lives.  So does personal integrity.  We achieve personal integrity when we take into account how the parts of our lives ought to fit together to their greatest potential for the sake of our whole lives: the social, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, ethical, and physical aspects.  When young people are over-protected or traumatized by adults, or are not challenged to work out the relationship of the parts to the whole of their lives, they remain immature and end up lacking personal integrity.

Good coaching can help identify the strongest and most integrated aspects of a person’s life, and those areas that need to be worked on.  When men enter into relationships of any kind, with lovers, with companies, or with institutions such as the military or the church, and lack personal integrity, those relationships are doomed to fail.  The same can be said about institutions as well, when, as a corporate body, they lack sustaining integrity.

With personal integrity intact, a man can make better decisions for himself and those around him.  He does his part to sustain long-term relationships and friendships.  He balances his needs with the needs of those dependent upon him.  He is humble because he has self-respect and pride.   He hesitates twice before passing judgment.  Ultimately, he is committed to the growth and maintenance of his personal integrity as the core of his life’s work.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com.  The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

Downsizing Life

Growing up in the fifties and sixties was a unique experience.  The world was only a decade or so after World War II.  The Marshall plan was putting Europe and Japan back on their feet.  The US was the factory of the world, with little outside competition.  My father could buy his first home for $13,000 and the school system where I lived was excellent.  It seemed life could only remain on a positive, straight line trajectory.  This was certainly the positive, but entirely unrealistic, message we received from parents, teachers, politicians, and the media.

Like the real estate crisis of 2008, this outlook was a bubble waiting to burst.  It took a while, despite the habit for consumer products and services we had gotten into as a nation.  Many are now in the midst of wondering what the next decade will bring.  Certainly not the rosy picture depicted in Norman Rockwell paintings.

I recently had a contract self-employment job for four months.  During that time I thought I was grossing an adequate salary.  After paying federal and state taxes, double social security tax and $532 monthly for health insurance (required by my state’s law) I netted barely 55% of my gross income.  Quite a shock!

If I were coaching myself, I would be asking the question: “What plan do you have in place to help you live below your means?”  Living below our means, a favorite topic of Suze Orman the popular financial guru, is something all of us ought to consider, even if we are safely and securely employed.

What is your plan for living below your means?  If you don’t have one, or if your spouse or partner is not on the same page as you in this matter, it’s time for an honest discussion of what can be cut out of the household and personal budgets in order to save more for an emergency fund, for future expenses, and for retirement.  Just asking…
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com   The Man’s Coach offers a free coaching session to whoever contacts him.

When Johnny Comes Marching Home…

Though the numbers are not as enormous as in WW II or the height of the Vietnam War, we’ve had a substantial population of our young people exposed to the trauma of battle in foreign lands in the past twenty years.  Some have not had to see combat, but many have, and when they return home every one of them needs special understanding and support from family and friends.  And, I might add, our government needs to do more to help them find work, even in this terrible economy.

The young, who make up the majority of our brave service people, often enter into service with a bravado and idealism that can soon sour when confronted by the reality and horrors of war.  While the human spirit is capable of processing a great deal more than we can imagine, a significantly high percentage of returning heroes have hidden, emotional wounds.  Upon returning to civilian life, many of them cannot begin to process their experience of post-traumatic stress, so daunting is this challenge.

I’ll never forget my father’s pride at having fought in the Second World War.  At least he felt as if he were liberating his extended family, who still lived in Italy.  Yet Dad’s proud beaming quickly turned to tears when he recalled the heat of battle and the dying of fellow soldiers.  His reaction remained the same even fifty years later.

War is the very definition of insanity.  The director Roberto Rossellini’s film of post-war Berlin in 1948, Germany, Year Zero http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germany,_Year_Zero  addresses the lasting effects of the despair and trauma of war.  Human beings have not changed.  I think it’s safe to say that no matter what mood returning veterans may show to protect their families from worrying, most are harboring deeply difficult memories.  Acknowledging this for all of us is the first and vitally important step toward a measure of healing.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Touch Deprived?

A lot of men are touch deprived.  Much of the culture of the United States is still influenced by 17th century New England Puritanism and 19th century English Victorianism, when mutual touch between men was highly suspect.  Even today, practically the only circumstances we witness men giving and receiving healthy physical affection from one another on a regular basis are between soldiers in the field, sports team members, gay men, and fathers and their small sons.

By physical affection I am not implying sexual intent (though I suspect many men are afraid of prolonged close contact with men for fear of experiencing arousal, which possibility they may not realize is perfectly normal, and does not infer that either man is “coming on” to the other).  I also am not speaking about those quick A-line hugs, back patting, fist-butting, and chest bouncing that pass for hugs among many men.  I’m talking about warm, prolonged holding, with arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders for at least a count of ten seconds!

Hugging lowers blood pressure, promotes healthy immune systems and is essential for mental, emotional, and physical health.  It also conveys a sense of safety, of being valued, and of mutual empathy.  This kind of touch is normally experienced between men who already know each other, but given certain circumstances such as offering comfort to a stranger who has just been traumatized, such hugging and holding is entirely appropriate and necessary and can begin the healing process.

I’ll never forget having brain surgery to remove a benign tumor that left me totally deaf in one ear and an annoying tinnitus.  The medical care was great at Massachusetts General Hospital, but I spent five days there in recovery without one healing touch, totally isolated in my bed.  Looking back, I needed to grieve my loss with someone who cared enough to counteract the invasion and partial destruction of my body with a knife, with a humane touch of kindness.

Of course to be effective, mutual affectionate touch must be offered and received willingly.  It can’t be forced or manipulated.  All the more reason why more men in our culture may need to seek it out from those who are able to give good touch, even in the context of massage or supervised support groups.

Kevin Smith from Boston has a marvelous touch practice that more men ought to discover.  His website and blog can be found at http://touchpractice.com and on Facebook.  In the meantime, find someone you trust and begin to experience a little more warm and healing touch in your life.  It may be just what you need to get you through today….and through life.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Male Spirituality Part II: Getting Real

A lot of religion does not appeal to men.  For some it’s too “head” oriented, too intellectualized.  For others it’s too “heart” oriented, too sentimentalized.  For many, organized religion simply does not speak to where men find themselves, struggling to make ends meet, to please their partners and spouses, to keep up with their children, and still have time to delve every once in a while into contemplation of their interior spiritual lives.  This is not to say that men find religion irrelevant.  Good sermons, rousing music, and the relationships that form in spiritual communities all contribute positively to men’s lives.  But often it’s not enough.

As a pastor for over three decades, I found that men responded best when there was a hands-on project in the church that needed to get done.  I’ll never forget the day we began major renovations to the interior of our church.  We committed ourselves to emptying the structure entirely prior to the contractor starting his work.  The men of the parish came in large numbers to take out all the benches, to rip down the unsympathetic structures, to take up the carpeting and tile.  Within a Sunday afternoon we filled a huge dumpster, gave away the old pews for reuse, and cleared the vast interior.  This kind of community-building was repeated whenever a practical job had to be done.

Male spirituality as quiet contemplation has its place but many men need to be doing something while contemplating.  They need to keep their hands busy, be it fishing, golfing, hiking, or mowing the lawn.  My own father did a lot of meditation while grocery shopping each week.  We cannot underestimate the amount of valuable interior work that men do without appearing to be “praying” or “meditating”, as valuable as these activities are.

I would love to hear from men as to their experience with God as they are working, doing, and keeping their bodies busy in order to quiet down their minds.  I have never seen any studies showing the positive effects of this form of spirituality.

So MEN, let me hear from you.  Tell me what goes on in your hearts and minds when you let them drift into God’s presence in the midst of your activities.  Please reply to this blog.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

What Will Be Your Next Life?

When I turned 60 this past January, I was not fazed.  In fact I welcomed the opportunity to enter into what would be the last third of my life, the infancy of old age.  Due to medical advances many people my age can expect to live to be 100.  Being 60 also means embracing the true wisdom I have gained from many people over the decades, as well as from my own education and experience.  Having tried many approaches to life a couple of times over, and having reflected upon the results, I feel I’m in a good position to view life from a broad perspective.

This period of my life has seen dramatic change.  Having been an active parish priest for 31 years, I, like a lot of men reaching middle age, saw a fork in the road.  I could either continue as I was, whether content or disgruntled, or I could go down a radically new path, sight unseen.

The former choice would have offered me lifetime security and a role that identified the parameters of my life.  But this choice also felt more and more like a prison, keeping me within certain expectations that stifled my growth and my ability to help people.

The latter choice gave me an opportunity to recreate my identity and to branch out in my desire to help others with my wisdom, knowledge and experience.  But this choice was like jumping off a high diving board into five feet of water.  I had no idea how I would support myself.  I lost any hope of a pension from the church by leaving.  Health insurance became an issue.  The realities faced by my former parishioners suddenly smacked me on the side of my head.

The decision was deceptively simply: yes or no to continuing in a vocation that had dramatically changed, in a church that had seemed to lose its way.  I chose to say no to the artificial constraints of an ancient institution and yes to a new life.  I found that this new inner call was as strong as the one I had received when first considering the priesthood in 1974.  I felt liberated.

I could not have made this decision without having had excellent spiritual counsel and psychotherapy for the previous decades.  I also had friends to test my thoughts and dreams who would be honest with me.  I had yet to be introduced to the concept of a life coach.

Looking back, I now realize that the best help I received from spiritual and psychological counsel and my friends was very much like what I now offer as a life coach.  I guess the lesson is: don’t be afraid of forks in the road of life you may encounter no matter when they occur.  Seize the opportunity for transformation and get the support you need.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Are You Defensively Offensive?

I have a friend named Chuck who’s a pain in the……, well, you get the picture.  Chuck is always on the defense, worried about how people will think of him.   He is never wrong and carefully takes the time to rip apart anyone who challenges his vast knowledge.   Chuck’s intelligence quotient is well above 140, but among those closest to him, he often uses his brain power to hurt, to remain the alpha-dog.  Chuck knows how to argue his point but would rather win the argument than preserve the dignity of his adversary.  The trouble is almost anyone can become Chuck’s adversary upon whom he heaps his sarcasm, judgment, condescension and rage, including his wife, his siblings, and anyone who gets in his way.

Chuck is defensively offensive.  I wonder how Chuck got this way, so full of anxiety and always ready for a fight.  His extreme self-protection, never being wrong, rarely apologizing, has put a wall around him that even he can’t see over.

Such men live in fear of being hurt.  Defensive offense pushes people away to prevent this.  It can evolve over time into a manipulative narcissism whereby everything in the world is judged by how it affects him.  He is able to be charming when he chooses so that friends think he’s a great guy, but those closest to him wonder why they are not worth a bit of kindness and so must share in a constant diet of negatively and moodiness.

There are degrees of defensive offense.   It often manifests in spouses and partners who just don’t listen.  They seem incapable of taking in fresh information without feeling as if it is an affront to their intelligence or self-image.

Coaching can assist people to actively listen, where the focus is on the speaker and not on the words.  Coaching can also help clients to be more conscious about the feelings that well up inside them when others they are feeling attacked.  Thus, by stopping for a split second, rather than reacting automatically, and breathing through the moment, a defensive person can transform the negative energy.  This extra time forestalls the auto-attack offense wired into many defensive people’s brains.  But it takes practice….and a patient coach.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

“I Miss My Wife!”

I had been working with Tim on a project and we’d been getting excited over the fact that he was becoming a dad for a second time very soon.  In fact his wife is due as I am writing this blog.  Tim and Beth have an older son, about two years old.  They’ll be awash in diapers for while!

Tim’s eyes glowed with love and anticipation as we talking about the new baby being a second son.  Clearly he is a man who loves being a husband and father and is looking forward to spending doing all the things fathers do with their boys.  Then he made an interesting remark, “I can’t wait to get my wife back!  I miss her.”  He recognized that pregnancy for a woman is a miracle that restructures her hormonal system so that her entire life becomes geared to caring for the new resident in her womb, and giving birth and nurturing her child.  He’s been on the back burner willingly, but yearns to reestablish his marriage.

Tim knows and understands this.  postpartum he realizes something that a lot of men perhaps don’t take into consideration.   He’s going to have to romance his wife as if he just met her.  The pregnancy has changed her in some wondrous and beautiful ways and Tim needs to be reintroduced to this new woman, now a mother of two.  He’s not fighting nature or narcissistically feeling put out or jealous.  It’s just the way it is.  In courting her anew as a new bride, he intends to reestablish his intimate relationship with her in a way that allows her to move at her pace, so that sex becomes true lovemaking, and not simply the satiating of a frustrated, horny man.

The dance between man and woman has always been delicate and complicated.  Making love to a woman is a continuum.  It ought to begin upon waking up in the morning and continue through the day with every encounter until the last kiss at night.  This affirms the nurturing space she holds as well as her determination to protect her home.  Making love to a man may seem to be more immediate, visual and tactile, but he too has a tender soul that needs opening up and healing by the strong affirmation of his masculine sensibilities and generative power.

Tim is ready to move forward in his relationship with his wife.  Key will be that he’ll be making love to the mother of his sons, and no longer to that blushing girl he first met.  She is changed.  He must change with her and so must their relationship.  I am confident that their intimacy will grow to encompass today’s reality and not get stuck in ideals and expectations from the past.  I wonder if all men know they can muster such fierce courage!
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

 

Kids without Goals

A lot of parents have welcomed their adult children back home.  This is not always a joyous moment for some parents.  Friends of mine, Jim and Liz, have a son, now 22, who is extremely bright but who found college unstimulating.  He was dismissed for not showing up for most of his classes, a fact the school did not share with his parents because of privacy laws for people over the age of 18.  After spending a small fortune on tuition for a year, he went home, tail between his legs and depressed.

Most parents would have understood, sympathized and soothed the young man but then might have labeled him a “problem,” and even may have held a grudge against the kid.   Jim and his wife, Liz, were sorely tempted to so react.  Short term they laid down ground rules about keeping his room clean and finding some kind of job.  Long term, they didn’t have a clue.

I was very proud of Jim and Liz because they consciously did the most difficult thing: they waited.  Now three years later, the young man has decided to join the military, not as a default option but as something he really wants to do, where he might find focus, career interests and training to move forward with his life.  The wait seems to have been worth it.  The young man needed the greatest gift, time, to find himself and establish some life-goals.   In co-active coaching terms, his being and doing needed time to converge for him to develop a vision for his future.

What about us adults?  Don’t we sometimes get to the point of feeling like that young man?  We lose a job.  A career dead-ends.  A divorce looms.  A spouse dies.  We are confronted with our vulnerability and either can face it with fierce courage or avoid it.

Society and family often tell us to hurry up and resolve the issue.  “Time’s a-wastin’!” is the voice inside our heads.  Yet we may need to put on the brakes and just wait, as painful and uncertain as that can be, until we get clarity.

A co-active coach could be a great resource in holding the space we need to discover our new being and our new doing.  There’s no sense in precipitous action for its own sake.  No matter how old we get, we’re really not that far from our adolescence.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Powerful Inspirational true story…Don’t give up!

Maybe you’ve seen this, but it’s worth seeing again.  I never tire of the power men, particularly fathers, have in their sons’ lives.  Haven’t we all felt like this runner at one time?  Haven’t we all wished we had the support of such a Dad?  Click on the link:
Powerful Inspirational true story…Don’t give up! 

Worshipping at the Shrine of Mr. Clean

I had a cleaning gig a few weeks ago to prepare a house for renting.  There I met a young man who was wonderfully curious about what cleaning products I used for various parts of the house.  For example, I told him I use powdered bleaching cleanser for toilets; cheaper than commercial products and very effective.  Lestoil is still my go-to chemical for cutting through grease and grime.  And don’t bother buying cheap window cleaning spray; it leave streaks.

What is the Man’s Coach doing worrying about house cleaning?  He lives alone and was raised by a first generation Italian American momma!  Enough said?  Even my dad kept the house clean, something all GI’s learned in the army.

Nowadays a lot of people have had little or no experience in housecleaning aside from putting the dirty plates in the dishwasher and maybe doing their laundry.  For a lot of reasons outside cleaners are being hired to maintain the space, which is a pity since free labor in the form of children is frequently available (but mom doesn’t want to cajole them to do their chores).  So here’s a list of housekeeping activities with which all young men ought to be familiar for the sake of their health, well-being and self-respect (not included is a whole host of fun projects associated with having children, including the changing of diapers…think twice boys and girls!).  And no, it’s not alright to leave all this stuff to a girlfriend whom you’ve suckered into feeling sorry for you!

1. Starting at the top, get out a stepladder once a year and clean the coverings of ceiling light fixtures.  It’s amazing the grime and bugs you’ll remove.
2. And while you’re on the ladder, run a dust mop around the perimeter of the room at the junction of the ceiling and walls…a good place to find cobwebs (you’d be surprised at how many spiders call your house “home”.
3. In the kitchen it would be great to remove the food from cabinets and clean inside with a solution of detergent (such as Lysol) and hot water at least yearly.  Never thought bottles and boxes could make such a mess, huh?
4. Do the same for the outside surfaces of the cabinets.  It’s amazing how      many people redo kitchens instead of just cleaning them of the grease and      grime that accumulate in cooking.
5. Make it a habit to sweep the kitchen floor daily.  Food, dust, pet hair and tracked-in dirt accumulate in high-traffic areas.  And actually wash the floor weekly.
6. Did you know how many really bad germs are in your sink, especially if you cook with any kind of raw meats and poultry?  Get out that scrubbing pad and scrub!
7. The refrigerator?  Unlike your oven, it is not self-cleaning.  Take everything out of it once a month and scrub the shelves and the interior surfaces of dried up food.
8. Your stove top is not self-cleaning, even if your oven is.  I discovered the hard way that black surfaces show all the streaks.   If your stove burners come apart, it’s for a purpose.  To clean each part.  I have to use stainless steel      pads and a lot of elbow grease.
9. The same for your range hood…inside and out.
10. Notice I’ve said nothing about the dishes?  Dishwashers are actually the best and most efficient way of cleaning dishes and silverware.  Pots and pans are another matter requiring getting your hands wet.
11. Do you know how rugs were cleaned before vacuums were invented?       Someone would have to roll them up, drag them outside, hang them on the clothes line, and beat them with a rug beater, so the dust would blow      away.  No wonder even the middle class had servants.  Think of that next time you kvetch about vacuuming.
12. It’s a great idea to get a rag and hot water and, on hands and knees, run that damp (not wet) rag on all hard floor surfaces, even wood.  You’ll be amazed at what you pick up and how black the water gets.  Rinse, wring out, repeat.
13. Though I don’t always follow this advice, learn to dust your furniture weekly.  If you can’t see the tops of your furniture because of “stuff” maybe it’s a sign to get a bit more organized (I won’t address organization of “stuff” in this column.  Hire someone if you’re really desperate).
14. Ah, windows and mirrors.  Everybody’s fav!  Once a year I wash them, including taking out the storm windows (if you have them) and cleaning inside and out.  Mirrors more often, depending upon location.
15. Are venetian blinds still in style?  Um, they too have to be cleaned slat by slat, unless you take them down and soak them in a strong detergent in the bath tub (maybe that’s why they’re no longer in style?).
16. Wonder why you keep catching your roommates’ colds?  Get those      disinfectant wipes.  They’re great for killing the germs on remote controls, key boards, telephones, door knobs, telephone receivers (are these still in use?), and toilet seats, anywhere where skin touches surface (I won’t get into how many germs from the toilet end up on the coffee table remote).
17. Laundry is laundry…enough said.  But please change your beds weekly.  Again, I won’t go into details as to what you would find there.  And don’t      forget to get the blankets cleaned. Ever sleep as a guest on the same bed Fido used?  Ugh!
18. Speaking of laundry, not everything is no-iron.  You can avoid a lot of      ironing by taking your clothes out of a warm dryer before the end of the      cycle and hanging or folding them immediately.  Otherwise, make ironing a Zen experience.  My mother did.  It always seemed to calm her.
19. And don’t forget your computer and TV screens.
20. Bathroom tile and tubs actually need a good scrub.  Just because they get      wet doesn’t mean they get clean. Scrubbing bubbles actually work well for tubs and shower doors.

I’m sure you can come up with much more if you look around.  Coaching involves every aspect of life and perhaps you could use a few sessions on the subject of housecleaning, especially if it’s become a bone of contention between you and your partner.  A clean environment is a sign of maturity and respect for what we own and use while we’re staying on this planet.   Unless you hoard; that’s an entirely different issue for a good psychotherapist.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Taking Care of Business

It seems we are entering an age when a lot of parents and grandparents have not had the time, opportunity or inclination to teach the younger generations some basic good habits of self-care.     I meet an awful lot of young people who don’t know how to boil eggs, vacuum rugs or mow lawns.  Not that it’s necessary to do these things, especially if one is independent enough to pay someone else, but, knowing how to take care of oneself deepens one self-confidence and self-respect.

Thus in the next few blogs I will offer a list to all young men who wish to be good husbands, partners and fathers someday, or who simply want to live alone in independence and self-respect.  The same list applies to young women, by the way!Today we’ll deal with cooking basics:

1. Know how to make soft-boiled, scrambled and hard-boiled eggs?  It’s just a step further to becoming expert creators of omelets!
2. Learn the difference among: sautéing, frying, boiling, baking, braising, grilling, and steaming.  This will enable you to survive with any kind of vegetable, fish, chicken or meat.
3. Find out about herbs to make things taste good.  Basics like: herbs de Provence, rosemary, oregano, thyme, basil, cilantro, parsley, bay leaf, and of course salt and pepper.
4. Also basics like onions and garlic.  Do you know the “holy trinity” of great soups: celery, carrots and onions.  A simple chicken stock using chicken,      and the above trinity of veggies with some bay leaf gives you the basis for all other soups.
5. That veggie trinity?  It’s the flavor profile for nearly anything that tastes good, including meats, poultry, sauces and stews.
6. Speaking of stews: learn to make a basic beef stew.  The cut of meat is      cheap and the results are fabulous.  I make a big pot every once in a while and freeze portions for future meals.
7. Discover the joy of canned beans: garbanzo, white and red kidney, cannellini, and black, to begin with.  They are rich in protein and with a simple vinaigrette and some herbs they’re a meal in themselves.
8. Oh, yes…learn to make vinaigrette.  Forget the expensive bottled dressings      full of stuff that’s not always good for you!  Or just drizzle your salad greens with extra virgin olive oil and wine vinegar or lemon juice (from a lemon!) with salt and pepper.
9. Oh, yes again…don’t waste your money on those cute yellow fake lemons filled with tasteless reconstituted lemon juice (?).
10. Pasta!  Yes, learn to make pasta (not that blue box with the powdered cheese!)  A simple tomato sauce can be a joy: open a can, add some olive oil in a pan, cook down the tomatoes and there you have it.   Make sure to use a block of grating cheese, please….not that stuff in a green can!
11. Never feel you have to know how to make bread.  That’s something easy to buy and fairly nourishing.
12. Oat meal and a banana or other canned fruit for breakfast is not only inexpensive, but it’s really good for you.  It takes 5 minutes to make and will do wonders for your blood-sugar throughout the morning, not to mention the regularity of your bathroom visits!  Breakfast is still the most important meal of the day!
13. Did you know unsalted almonds or walnuts in Greek yogurt with a drizzle of honey is a great sweet snack full of protein that will keep you going for hours?
14. Please don’t drink artificially sweetened anything.  The risk of diabetes is just as high with fake sweeteners as with too much regular      sugar.
15. Frozen vegetables are even better than most fresh veggies (unless they’re local and organic) because they are flash-frozen before the vitamins have a chance to escape in transit and storage.
16. The more you make at home, the more money you’ll save, the more weight you’ll probably lose, and the more self-respect you’ll gain.
17. There’s so much more!  Contact me at michaelparise@gmail.com for all      recipes and dishes I’ve mentioned here and more, including: beef or lamb      stew, lentil soup, pea soup, chicken stock, roast chicken, braised pork butt, meat balls, tomato sauce, and omelets.  I’ve got my cooking down to a series of good habits to save time, money and energy!  I can easily cook a full meal, including dessert for four in about an hour!

Next time: Worshipping at the Shrine of Mr. Clean
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Modern Family and Male Archetypes: “The Guileless Idealist”

Those who know anyone who is guileless will undoubtedly have stories of being driven to distraction by someone who breezes through life without a care in the world.  Nolan Gould plays Luke Dunphy, the youngest child and only son in a family of strong personalities which are often in conflict.  As the male archetype of “The Guileless Idealist,” Luke leads the way in taking the opportunity to zone out as he finds wonder and awe in the moment.

Like many a guileless person Luke is innocent; he does not consciously deceive.  While seeming spacey (like his father) he is not dense.  He assumes the best in others without judgment.  For him the glass is always half full.

Coaching to affirm “The Guileless Idealist” in men is a special challenge in today’s world.  Our materialistic and consumerist culture is constantly giving the message that the glass is half empty, that real fulfillment and happiness is just around the corner after we purchase the latest high-tech gadget, video game, or clothing.  Worse still, many of us are also hearing the message, “Get them before they get us.”  “The Guileless Idealist” is in everyone, often hidden under layers of past experiences and old stories, but worth excavating for and bringing to the surface so that we can all revel in awe and wonder.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Male Spirituality Part I: Religion

A lot of what passes for spirituality is actually religion.  Religion by definition is that which connects us to something or someone beyond us.  Religion consists of ritual acts and community involvement whereby an individual immerses himself in an objective reality defined by the religion has having value (prayer, liturgy, bible study, and charitable works).

The goal of all religions is supposed to be connection with the Higher Power and with the mission or goals of the community, however it defines them.  This lofty goal is often thwarted by human error: money, authority, hidden agendas, ideologies, coercion, judgment, fear, corruption.  For a lot men religion has a bad name, but they tolerate it, often because their wife and children ask them to supporting the positive values found in most religious organizations.

Religion is supposed to support spirituality.  Through the external connections and actions of religion, each person’s journey with the Higher Power is meant to grow deeper and wider.  This is often not the case.  Instead, throughout history we find that one of the greatest obstacles to healthy spirituality has been religion (for example, witch hunts, persecutions of minorities, ethnic cleansing, jihads, wars, etc.).

So what is spirituality?  And is there a distinctly male way of entering into spirituality that genuinely adds to one’s life.   Coaching, though not the same as spiritual counsel, ought to address the needs of the client.  Clients ought to feel free to bring up the role of spirituality in their lives without fearing judgment or having to endure another catechism lesson.  More about this later.
Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com

Modern Family and Male Archetypes: “The Old Soul”

Funny little Rico Rodriguez in “Modern Family” skillfully plays Manny Delgado, dressed in vintage bowling shirts and two-tone dress shoes.  He is “The Old Soul” male archetype.  I find him most enjoyable because I have been an “Old Soul” since the age of four going on thirty-four.  Like most “Old Souls” Manny looks at the world as if he’s gained insight and wisdom for decades.  He filters his feelings through his rational thoughts and constantly thinks he has to be reasonable about everything and everybody.

“The Old Soul” ponders and considers all angles of a situation.  He often is hyper-empathic, deeply sensing the mood of everyone around him and wanting to make it all better.  Even though impish at times, in a crisis “The Old Soul” usually retreats back into his unique brand of logic and reason.

When a coach encounters “The Old Soul” in a client, it is important to respect the presence of that archetype and listen carefully to what he says.  Though he may temporarily be in a quandary, the coach can trust that someone with the “Old Soul” will gather up his inner resources and come to an understanding of his options.  It is thus “The Old Soul” discovers what is new, and yet ancient, in his life.

Contact the Man’s Coach at michaelparise@gmail.com